Let’s Get (Emotionally) Closer: How the Gottman Method Approach Helps Couples Reconnect After Trauma
If you’ve ever looked at your partner and thought, “We’re more like roommates than lovers these days…”—you’re definitely not alone. I hear this often, and life gets difficult with work stress, family, friends, self-care, trauma, old hurts, and those same three arguments that keep circling the drain keep coming up when it’s time for your partner and you to connect. But here’s the good news: even the strongest couples hit rough patches. And the even better news? You don’t have to stay stuck.
Gottman Method Couples & Emotionally Focused Therapy approaches are the research-backed therapeutic approaches used in couples therapy that pinpoint emotional connection and help couples get back to each other. The tools used are designed to build back trust and commitment through the friendship modality, managing conflict by getting to know one another again with active listening, and creating a deeper emotional bond. As a couples therapist who works with couples navigating burnout, grief, betrayal, anxiety, and all the messy stuff in between, I'm a big fan of this method and incorporate the strategies to build emotional connection back.
Let’s break it down in a way that’s real, digestible, and actually helpful.
First, What Is the Gottman Method Protocol?
The Gottman Method was created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman—basically the Beyoncé and Jay-Z of couples research, who have longitudinal research on the effectiveness of long-term couples. After spending decades studying what makes relationships last (and what actually makes them fall apart), they built a framework that helps couples:
Improve communication skills to be more effective in communication.
Rebuild emotional intimacy through trust and commitment, focused, valued conversations.
Compromise and negotiate on the deeper values, while being flexible.
Resolve (or peacefully live with) gridlock or perpetual conflict
And most importantly, feel like a team again. That your partner is your friend or hero.
And no, this isn’t fluffy self-help advice. It’s grounded in over 40 years of clinical research with real-life couples, so I know it works and is impactful in my own life.
Embrace the Sound Safe Relationship House Vibe
Imagine your relationship as a sound safe house. If the foundation isn’t solid, everything wobbles and creeks and leaks. The Gottmans created the Sound Relationship House model to help couples understand what strong relationships are built on. I love this visual as it really embodies home and safety for each individual and therefore promotes optimal health. Here’s a quick tour of their metaphorical Gottman’s Sound Safe house:
1. Love Maps
Do you know what keeps your partner up at night—or what lights them up? This is about staying curious and emotionally attuned as you both grow and change. This changes day to day, so if you are not courting and getting to know your partner by being genuinely curious about them, you don’t truly attune to them over time.
2. Fondness & Admiration
Say nice things. Often. Daily, minimally for 5 minutes a day! Not just on birthdays or when you are in the dog house. Partners thrive on appreciation, not silent assumptions. Catch your partner for why you chose them and tell them specifically, every chance you can.
3. Turning Toward (Not Away)
When your partner makes a bid like, “Hey, look at this meme,” turning toward means you engage. These small moments of connection = emotional glue. If it’s important to your partner, it’s important to you as well.
4. Positive Perspective
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt can change everything. Especially in tough moments. Nobody wants to be judged for their shortcomings or faults; in contrast, they would like to be given grace for their worst moments and be forgiven. Your partner is the person you want to comfort and be kind to you when you are down.
5. Manage Conflict Effectively (By not Avoiding It)
You don’t need to agree on everything. You do need tools to fight fair, self-soothe, and repair after conflict so resentment and contempt don’t build over time. Fighting and arguing are normal and ok, as long as you do it in a way that is kind to each other.
6. Support Life Dreams
Healthy couples champion each other’s goals—even the solo ones. This promotes self-esteem and self-worth for each partner individually, which is the magic of relationships. You don’t have to want the same things, but you do need to support the journey of each dreams to be in the same house. This is why it’s a safe, sound house for both.
7. Create Shared Meaning
This is about rituals, values, and “us-ness” that can only occur in the house. Whether it’s Sunday pancakes or shared spiritual values, your children’s birth stories, your shared story matters. This is impactful for everyone.
When Conflict Gets Ugly: “Four Horsemen”
If you’ve been stuck in recurring fights (especially the ones that leave you both shut down or on edge), the Gottmans have a name for the detrimental aspects of communication that really lead to the relationship deterioration. Here are the four relationship killers:
Criticism: “I can’t believe you did that…”
Defensiveness: "Well, you never..."
Contempt: eye roll….you always forget to prioritize this.”
Stonewalling: the silent treatment or emotional withdrawal from the relationship.
These aren’t personality flaws—they’re patterns of communication breakdown. And they can be unlearned and retaught to be communicated differently. In couples therapy, I help couples identify which horseman are showing up for them when they flood, then teach antidotes like gentle start-ups, physiological self-soothing, knowing and being mindful of their own feelings, and how to ask for a pause when needed before becoming reactive.
How Trauma impacts the mix
If one or both of you have trauma in your story (hello, anxiety, depression, betrayal or attachment wounds, or PTSD), your nervous systems might be running the show more than your brain and heart. You’re not broken. You’re protecting yourselves, but that survival mode—fight, flight, freeze, fawn—can shut down authentic connection fast, so we need to learn about it to heal it.
Here’s where trauma-informed Gottman Method work shines:
We prioritize safety first, always. This means physical, emotional, financial, and sexual safety.
I’ll help you track your triggers and your partner’s—without shame, guilt, blame, or coercion.
You’ll learn how to co-regulate (aka help each other feel safe in real time, through interdependence).
We’ll work at a pace that’s doable, not forced or scripted too much.
Why This Method Works (and Lasts)
Whether you’ve been together 6 months or 20+, Gottman Method Couples work can help you:
Shift from criticism to curiosity
De-escalate fights faster
Grow your friendship (yes, romance needs friendship first and foremost!)
Reconnect physically and emotionally after ruptures, repair and apologize: feel more supported and loved.
Build something that feels secure—even if you never had that modeled in your past relationships, you can create that in your life today.
And in my office (or virtual or in nature therapy office), we blend Gottman Method Couples structure with trauma healing—so you’re not just learning tools, you’re learning how to feel safe using & integrating them.
Ready to Rebuild Together?
You don’t have to settle for surface-level connection, it doesn’t feel good, and the constant bickering, and/or emotional distance can be overwhelming for the soul. Whether you're recovering from trauma, betrayal, or just feeling disconnected, the Gottman Method Couples approach offers a solid therapeutic roadmap back to each other. If you get stuck or need help with the work, reach out to me at Amy Anderson Therapy, and I would be happy to help you.
Let’s get you both feeling seen, heard, and reconnected—together.
Link to Schedule Your Free Consultation
Reconnect After Trauma with Couples Therapy in San Diego, CA
Ready to rebuild trust and emotional connection? At Amy Anderson Therapy, we use the Gottman Method to help couples heal and grow stronger together. Start your journey back to each other today with couples therapy in San Diego, CA. Your relationship deserves support. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if couples therapy is right for you
Begin meeting with compassionate couples therapist, Amy Anderson
Start reconnecting with your partner after trauma.
ADDITIONAL SERVICES OFFERED AT AMY ANDERSON THERAPY
Based in San Diego, CA, Amy Anderson Therapy offers trauma-informed care designed to foster emotional resilience and meaningful transformation. In addition to couples therapy to help you reconnect after trauma, ADHD, or relationship struggles, I also support individuals working through anxiety, neurodivergence, infertility, betrayal, and more. My practice is inclusive and affirming, with a focus on serving polyamorous relationships, non-traditional families, and professionals in high-stress roles such as the military, healthcare, law enforcement, and emergency services. For clients who feel more comfortable outside the traditional office, I provide walk-and-talk therapy as a movement-based alternative. I also offer psychedelic-assisted therapy (PAT) in a safe, supportive environment for those seeking deeper healing. Visit my blog for tools, reflections, and guidance on navigating life’s challenges.
