When to Choose Couples Therapy vs. Individual Therapy After Infidelity
Infidelity Hurts—Now What?
When infidelity rocks an intimate relationship, the emotional aftermath can feel like a tidal wave: shock, grief, rage, shame, hurt, confusion. One of the first questions people ask me all the time:
“Should we go to couples therapy or start with individual therapy first?”
As a trauma-informed couples therapist in San Diego, CA, I’ve guided hundreds of couples through the complex recovery process after betrayal. The truth? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer—but there is a timeline that helps you decide what’s best for your healing journey.
Let’s break down couples therapy vs. individual therapy.
The Truth About Infidelity: It's Not Just About the Act
Infidelity isn’t just about the “cheating.” It’s a rupture in trust; emotional safety has been disrupted for the partner, often caused by deeper unmet needs, unspoken resentment, or unhealed trauma for the individual and potentially the couple. Whether it’s emotional, physical, sexual, or digital betrayal, the pain is very real and valid. Many couples feel tempted to “just move on,” due to the discomfort of the topic, but unprocessed betrayal doesn’t go away—it festers, ruminates, and often becomes something else.
This is where I plug in my profession; that’s where couples therapy comes in for both of you.
The First 30–60 Days After Discovery: Emotional Triage
Immediately after discovering infidelity, both partners may feel emotionally overwhelmed, in shock, and completely disconnected. This is often called the “crisis phase” by therapists.
The betrayed partner may struggle with anxiety, hypervigilance, or flashbacks, causing extremely harsh criticism and potential contract tactics to regulate.
The unfaithful partner may feel deep shame, defensiveness, or fear of losing the relationship.
Depending on the couple’s personal, familial, often religious, and or financial goals, permit compassion and self-compassion to forgive the partner. This can be a difficult road for both parties, which is why we often recommend the gold standard.
Best choice during this phase? Start with individual therapy.
A skilled individual therapist can:
Help the betrayed partner process trauma, rebuild self-worth, and regulate the nervous system enough to discern values and a path forward.
Help the unfaithful partner unpack what led to the infidelity without minimizing harm, deflection, or avoidance patterns previously in the relationship.
Teach both partners emotional regulation tools to navigate the emotional volatility of early recovery, communication tools to build back trust and commitment, faith, friendship, and fun, and restore shared life meaning.
If safety, sobriety, or intense emotional dysregulation are concerns, individual work is crucial and required before entering joint couple sessions to avoid abuse or control tactics.
When to Begin Couples Therapy
Stabilization & Communication Tools are Needed
Once the emotional intensity starts to settle—usually around 1–3 months after discovery—many couples are ready to begin couples therapy. This is the phase where:
Both partners are willing (even if unsure how) to repair, look at their own accountability or responsibility in the relationship, reattuning, repairing, and restoring.
You’re not stuck in blame or withdrawal, no winning or losing, no right versus wrong.
There’s a shared intention to explore what happened and what’s next for the couple with love, curiosity, compassion, courageous conversations, and calmness
This is the sweet spot for starting couples therapy. As a trauma-informed couples therapist in San Diego, licensed in California and Pennsylvania, I use approaches such as:
The Gottman Method to rebuild trust and repair conflict patterns effectively from a friendship, sound safe house perspective.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to reconnect partners through secure attachment.
IFS and inner child work to help both people understand how past wounds impact current relational dynamics.
Can You Do Both Therapies at Once?
Absolutely—in fact, it’s often ideal and preferred for maximum benefits to be more effective. In infidelity recovery, one or both partners may continue with individual therapy alongside couples therapy as they heal. This dual approach supports:
Deep personal healing around shame, self-worth, or attachment wounds before and outside of the relationship components
Real-time relational repair in a safe, guided setting, with knowledge of the person’s overall individual well-being as the cornerstone.
Just make sure your providers collaborate if possible, or at least work in alignment with your goals.
Red Flags That Mean Don’t Start Couples Therapy Yet
Couples therapy is not always appropriate right away, especially if:
There’s ongoing infidelity or deceit
One partner feels pressured to stay in the relationship
There’s active abuse, coercion, or control
Emotional regulation is extremely limited (e.g., yelling, stonewalling, shutdown)
In these cases, individual therapy or a temporary separation may be safer before attempting couples work. People have to have a basic baseline of functionality to engage in couples and or family systems work, as they need to be able to be resourced enough to have compassion for another. Maybe unhealed people are not able to do this, and couples or family therapy is counterindicated.
What to Expect in Couples Therapy After Infidelity
In sessions, you’ll explore:
The timeline and impact of the betrayal in order to understand both perspectives adequately (without re-traumatizing)
How to express one’s needs and hurts in ways that build understanding and connection in collaboration, not defensiveness, contempt, criticism, or shutting down/turning away (stonewalling)
What rebuilding trust looks like day-by-day, through safe action steps, striving for 80-20% success, kindness, and understanding in the process.
Whether there’s a shared vision for the future of the relationship, and if it’s not there, how to build a healthy one.
Reconciliation is always possible when two parties are motivated enough and are rooted in strong foundational values—but so is clarity that it’s time to lovingly part ways. Therapy helps you decide from a grounded place, not a traumatized one, which outcome best serves you.
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone
Infidelity recovery is hard work—but with the right support, healing is always possible. As a specialized couples therapist in San Diego, CA, I work with professionals, parents, and partners committed to doing the deep work of relational repair. Whether you're seeking to reconnect or simply get clarity, couples therapy offers a roadmap back to trust—or forward to peace.
Ready to Start? At Amy Anderson Therapy, I offer both virtual and in-person couples therapy sessions in San Diego, CA. Let’s create a plan that honors your healing—individually and together.
Rebuild Trust and Connection After Infidelity with Couples Therapy in San Diego, CA
If you and your partner are ready to navigate the aftermath of infidelity, couples therapy in San Diego, CA can guide you toward healing and clarity. With compassionate support, you can restore connection, rebuild trust, and create a shared vision for your relationship. Take the first step with Amy Anderson Therapy—follow these three simple steps:
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if couples therapy is a good fit.
Begin meeting with compassionate couples therapist, Amy Anderson.
Start rebuilding the trust and connection in your relationship!
Additional Services Offered at Amy Anderson Therapy
Amy Anderson Therapy provides a compassionate, trauma-informed space for individuals and couples seeking meaningful growth and healing. With couples therapy, I specialize in guiding partners through recovery after infidelity, addressing ADHD-related relationship dynamics, processing unresolved trauma, and fostering deeper emotional connection. I also support individuals navigating anxiety, betrayal trauma, infertility challenges, and the unique needs of neurodivergent clients. The practice is inclusive of polyamorous partnerships, non-traditional families, and those in high-demand professions, including healthcare, military, emergency response, and law enforcement. For clients interested in alternative approaches, I offer walk-and-talk therapy, combining movement with mindful conversation, as well as psychedelic-assisted therapy (PAT) for transformative healing. Explore the blog for insights and resources on relationship repair, trauma recovery, and holistic wellness.
