Understanding Vulnerable Narcissism in Relationships
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I received an excellent — and nuanced — question recently from a long term cliente that made me pause and say, let’s bring it to Amy’s Anecdotes and Advice Avenue! LOL… I love doing and saying that in real life, with real people, so I suppose this is writing thing is sticking, thank you for following along and being here to read my thoughts. ❤️
Vulnerable narcissism (sometimes called covert narcissism) often shows up in couples therapy in quieter, self-protective, and shame-based ways that differ significantly from the grandiose, overt type that we typically see and understand to be Narcissitic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASD). If you fear you or someone you love is showing traits of a Vulnerable Narcissistic Disordered, please seek out help! Recent evidence suggests that with the right therapeutic approach, vulnerable narcissistic individuals can make meaningful progress — particularly when therapy focuses on attachment, emotion regulation, and empathy development.
The unfortunate truth is that these individuals have not developed secondary to their self-protective and shame based ways to avoid feeling that pain, which only means they may need more support with developing. Jobs often associated with narcissistic traits include those in creative arts, performing arts, law, business, and professions involving dominant leadership such as healthcare, law enforcement, professional advising, and social service (rude, I know social workers make the list), according to research. Studies have shown positive correlations between narcissism and interests in these fields. There is no specific data on "vulnerable narcissists," but careers that allow for admiration or status are often linked to narcissism generally, regardless of whether they are overt or vulnerable
Here’s a comprehensive, evidence-based overview:
Understanding Vulnerable Narcissism in Relationships
Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by:
Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection, therefore becoming flooded to an extreme level to not experience it, also a huge hurdle for attending therapy with one’s partner
Deep shame and self-doubt hidden behind defensiveness
Emotional withdrawal or victim stance when feeling misunderstood
Passive-aggressive or avoidant behaviors
Oscillation between idealization and devaluation of the partner, very hard for them to be in the grey area within a relationship
Unlike grandiose narcissists, vulnerable narcissists tend to appear insecure, anxious, and or depressed, often struggling with fragile self-esteem rooted in early attachment wounds (Miller et al., 2010; Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010). This can be further compounded if they are perceived in the community or their family or relationship systems to be a mortar type, one who cares for others more than themselves.
In couples relationship dynamics, these patterns can lead to:
Emotional distance or larger shame, blame, critic, guilt cycles that breed self-abandonment and isolation
Difficulty taking accountability due to the fear of it being used against them later on
A need for reassurance that never feels satisfying, often portrayed in their ego states for academic & employment attainment
Feeling perpetually unseen or unloved despite a partner’s efforts of verbal and non-verbal communication
What the Evidence Says About Treatment
It’s complicated to say the least. Therapist must be attuned to the subtleness of the control and caregiving in the relationship at all times. These tools below are effective with building empathy and relationship attunement:
1. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT, developed by Sue Johnson, is a highly effective treatment modality for working with partners who exhibit vulnerable narcissistic traits because it targets attachment insecurity — the underlying source of the behavior. These behaviors are often how we show up for love unconsciously in all relationships.
EFT is backed up as with empirical research support:
EFT helps increase emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement in individuals and couples (Johnson et al., 2013).
Studies show individuals with narcissistic vulnerability can learn to tolerate shame and express primary emotions (fear, hurt) rather than defensive ones (anger, withdrawal) through emotion coaching and attunement in an aligned equal therapeutic rapport space.
Main therapeutic focus:
Building safety before addressing accountability
Helping the narcissistic partner identify shame and fear beneath defensiveness
Teaching partners to respond with empathy without enabling avoidance or manipulation
2. Schema Therapy aka Inner child work
Schema Therapy (Young et al., 2003) provides a strong evidence base for treating narcissistic patterns through reparenting unmet childhood needs and challenging maladaptive schemas such as defectiveness/shame, entitlement, and emotional deprivation. I utilize the Schema of in the Inner Child (Gut) and Loving or Unloving Adult (Thoughts) to break down this from a very compassionate lens.
Key interventions I have found to be helpful with Schema and Inner Child Work:
Imagery rescripting to revisit early rejection or humiliation experiences, from catching those moments to spiritually releasing controlling critical & permissive caregiving tendencies
Limited reparenting to provide corrective emotional experiences, providing narration
Teaching emotional differentiation and repair skills
In couples work, schema therapy helps both partners understand each other’s modes — e.g., the vulnerable child, detached protector, or punitive parent — and learn how to soothe rather than trigger each other’s wounds.
3. Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT)
Because vulnerable narcissism involves impaired mentalization (difficulty understanding one’s own and others’ internal states of emotions), MBT is an effective modality to treat this personality disorder. The evidence shows MBT improves affect regulation, empathy, and interpersonal functioning in those with narcissistic traits (Fonagy & Bateman, 2016).
In couples therapy:
The therapist helps partners slow down and reflect on each other’s minds
Emphasizes curiosity over judgment (“What might your partner have felt in that moment?”)
Reduces reactive misinterpretations that fuel shame spirals
4. Integrating Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT)
CFT, developed by Paul Gilbert, has been shown to reduce shame and self-criticism — central issues in vulnerable narcissism.
In couples sessions, CFT helps clients:
Develop a more balanced internal dialogue that releases self rejection and self-criticism
Soften their harsh inner critic with actually being compassionate towards self and others, non judgemental.
Approach conflict from compassion rather than defense, as a way to grow together is to understand not to compete
A study by Irons & Ladouceur (2020) found that compassion training improved emotional regulation and reduced narcissistic distress.
What Helps the Hurt Partner?
The partner of a vulnerable narcissist often feels emotionally invalidated, blamed, or emotionally exhausted as they are perceiving themselves as unlovable. Evidence-based approaches emphasize dual empathy — supporting both individuals without colluding with defensiveness or shame cycles is best. Therefore sharing the
Helpful therapist strategies include:
Psychoeducation: Naming the vulnerable narcissistic cycle (shame → withdrawal → resentment → criticism) helps depersonalize it from themselves and see it as their partner being an inner critical child.
Boundary work: Teaching the partner to set firm but compassionate limits. That honors their needs first while being compassionate to their loved one.
Repair focus: Practicing micro-repair rituals that rebuild trust after emotional ruptures. This is one of my favorites, which I always recommend the small things often from the Gottman Method Couples lens as it literally teaches these small micro repair rituals over 6.5 hours of work within the relationship per week.
What Actually Promotes Real Change?
Vulnerable narcissistic individuals are more likely to engage and improve in couples therapy when they deeply want to remain in the relationship and are willing to accent their partner’s influence, then the therapist’s influence. I absolutely love working within this framework, which is odd, however if we all have inner children with deeply insecure parts taking over, it is a miracle to watch empathy and connection formed:
The therapist avoids shaming and maintains empathy while setting firm boundaries, for all three parties.
The therapeutic focus is on emotional safety and accountability, not just symptom reduction and communication tools, deeper attachment work requires this focus.
Sessions foster self-reflection and empathic attunement, often through experiential techniques (e.g., enactments, EMDR, inner child work).
Ultimately, the goal is to help the vulnerable narcissistic partner:
Recognize and regulate shame patterns and self-soothe without control or caregiving.
Develop a more stable sense of self-worth.
Learn to see their partner as an equal other rather than a mirror for self-esteem needs.🪞
Summary of Evidence-Based Modalities That Spark Hope
Approach Mechanism of Change Evidence for Vulnerable Narcissism EFT Repairs attachment insecurity Johnson et al., 2013 Schema Therapy Corrects maladaptive childhood schemas Young et al., 2003 MBT Improves perspective-taking & empathy Fonagy & Bateman, 2016 CFT Reduces shame and self-criticism Gilbert, 2014; Irons & Ladouceur, 2020 EMDR & Inner Child Work Heals early relational trauma that fuels shame Lanius et al., 2020
✨Amy’s Final Takeaway✨
Couples therapy can be transformative for individuals with vulnerable narcissistic traits both giver and taker— if it’s conducted within a trauma-informed, attachment-based, and ultimately compassion-oriented framework that stops shame directly. Rather than labeling or pathologizing, therapy works best when it helps them feel safe enough to drop defenses, own their emotional pain, and rebuild connection from a place of empathy rather than ego protection. Reach out if you need some support from a trained specialist.
