How Attachment Styles Show Up in Couples Therapy
Attachment styles — the emotional blueprints we form early in life — show up again and again in adult romantic relationships when we are feeling flooded or emotional. I often call them powerful, unwritten, unspoken, strong powers of control or caregiving that are often stuck deep inside us. Knowing your style (and your partner’s) is one of the most practical, evidence-based ways to shift stuck patterns like conflict loops, codependent caregiving, and relationship burnout to promote real connection.
This post breaks down the four main common attachment patterns, how to spot them in everyday couple moments, and how couples therapy in San Diego, CA (EFT, Gottman-informed work, CBT-based approaches) helps partners move toward secure connection and attachment together.
What Attachment Styles Are — Quick Breakdown
Attachment theory links early caregiver responsiveness to adult patterns of relating: secure, anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissive), and disorganized (fearful-avoidant). These styles organize how we seek comfort, handle conflict, and interpret our partner’s actions. Attachment is not destiny — it’s a communication map you can learn to read and revise.
How Attachment Patterns Show up Between Partners
Not every partner is exactly these four attachments. We are all on different paths of healing, some more aware and more conscious of their patterns and able to range with these feelings and patterns of love. Typically, they are broken down into four camps:
Secure: Comfortable asking for support, able to soothe and be soothed. These couples often have more stable satisfaction and repair after fights.
Anxious: Worries about abandonment, seeks frequent reassurance, may escalate during conflict, and interprets neutral actions as rejection.
Avoidant: Values independence, withdraws under stress, minimizes emotions — partners feel shut out.
Disorganized: Mixed signals — seeks closeness but is afraid of it; can show chaotic responses under stress.
These patterns shape daily dynamics: who pursues vs. who withdraws, who becomes hyper-vigilant to perceived threats, and who loses their sense of self in caretaking roles (codependency). Recognizing the script is the first step to rewriting it.
Codependency, Burnout, and Attachment — The Tangled Trio
Codependency often comes from anxious or insecure attachment. People may tie their self-worth to caregiving or people-pleasing. This can lead to one-sided relationships and weak boundaries. Experts describe codependency as a learned pattern that makes it hard to give and receive care equally.
Burnout — whether job-related or relational — dramatically affects intimacy. Chronic stress increases physiological arousal and emotional exhaustion, which lowers patience, libido, and the capacity to repair ruptures. Left unaddressed, burnout deepens avoidant moves and fuels anxious escalation, creating a feedback loop that undermines both partners’ well-being.
Evidence-Based Therapies That Target Attachment, Codependency, and Burnout at The Root
Several empirically supported couple therapy approaches and modalities are built explicitly around attachment processes:
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) centers on attachment: it helps partners identify negative cycles, access underlying attachment needs, and create new emotionally responsive interactions. Systematic reviews and meta-analyses show EFT reliably improves relationship satisfaction and attachment security.
Gottman-informed approaches focus on communication, repair, and rebuilding trust — practical tools to reduce criticism and stonewalling and to create rituals of connection; research supports improvements in marital adjustment and intimacy.
CBT and behavioral couple therapies help couples change interaction patterns, build problem-solving skills, and address depressive/burnout symptoms that sap connection.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) couples therapy allows couples to use simple language to identify their parts that may feel conflicted or abandoned at certain times in the relationship.
Psycillibin, Psychedelics, MDMA, and non-traditional approaches are beneficial for heart-opening discussions related to attachment. Current research is finding it to be helpful for relationship attachments.
These approaches often work best together: EFT for deepening emotional safety, Gottman skills for everyday repair, and CBT for changing unhelpful thinking and behavior — all of which diminish codependent reactivity and reduce burnout’s relational toll.
Practical Signs to Identify Your Attachment Dynamics
Try this quick checklist:
Do you feel calmer when your partner reassures you? (secure/anxious)
Do you pull back when emotions get intense, or feel smothered when your partner gets close? (avoidant)
Do you find yourself caretaking so much that you lose your needs, or tolerating disrespect to keep the peace? (codependent tendencies)
Do you feel exhausted, disconnected, or emotionally numb toward your partner after long workweeks? (burnout impact)
If several boxes are checked, attachment patterns are likely influencing daily life.
How Couples Therapy Helps — Concrete Shifts You Can Expect
Decode the dance: Couples therapists help you map your negative interaction cycles (the classic “pursue–withdraw” loop) and trace them back to attachment needs — not “badness.”
Name vulnerable feelings: Instead of blaming, partners learn to share core fears (e.g., “I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned”) in ways that invite comfort rather than conflict.
Build new repair rituals: Small, repeatable actions (check-ins, time-out agreements, micro-repairs after fights) rebuild trust and safety — essential for shifting from insecure to secure patterns.
Strengthen boundaries and autonomy: For codependent partners, therapy teaches self-care, assertive communication, and differentiation so caregiving is a choice, not a compulsion.
Address burnout systemically: Therapists can help couples create practical plans to reduce overload (redistribute domestic labor, schedule recovery time) and treat individual burnout symptoms that erode connection.
Ready to Shift Relational Patterns? Where to Start From Amy’s Perspective
If your relationship struggles feel repetitive — the same fight, same hurt, same exit — couples therapy offers a research-backed way to change the narrative. Look for clinicians trained in EFT, Gottman-informed methods, or CBT-TF couple therapy; these approaches have strong empirical support for improving attachment security and relationship satisfaction.
Attachment styles don’t condemn you for insecure love— they explain you. With focused, evidence-based couples therapy at Amy Anderson Therapy, partners can learn to recognize old survival strategies, communicate raw needs without blame, and co-create a more secure, resilient relationship. If you’re tired of the same loop, that’s the best signal that there’s something real and repairable waiting on the other side.
If you’d like, I can help you turn these ideas into a worksheet for you and your partner to complete before your first session (identify patterns, list triggers, set one experiment to try this week).
Building Secure Connection Through Understanding Attachment Styles in Couples Therapy in San Diego, CA
If you’re ready to break free from old patterns and build a more secure, connected relationship, couples therapy in San Diego, CA can help you and your partner find new ways to communicate and trust. Discover how understanding your attachment styles can bring healing, clarity, and deeper intimacy. Reach out to Amy Anderson Therapy to begin creating the relationship you both deserve. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if couples therapy is right for your relationship.
Begin meeting with compassionate couples therapist, Amy Anderson
Start building secure connections with your partner!
Additional Services Offered at Amy Anderson Therapy
At Amy Anderson Therapy, I help couples understand how attachment styles shape their patterns of connection, conflict, and care. This foundation supports all of my work, guiding a trauma-informed approach that focuses on healing at the root rather than managing surface symptoms. I offer couples therapy in San Diego, CA that integrates Inner Child Work and EMDR to address issues such as infidelity, trauma, addiction, and emotional distance, as well as individual therapy for anxiety, neurodivergence, infertility, betrayal trauma, and relational burnout. My practice is inclusive and affirming, welcoming polyamorous relationships, non-traditional families, and professionals in high-stress fields like the military, healthcare, and first response. For clients who prefer alternative or deeper experiences, I offer walk-and-talk sessions and psychedelic-assisted therapy (PAT) in a safe, grounded environment. Visit my blog for insights on attachment, emotional wellness, and creating lasting, balanced relationships.
About the Author
Amy Anderson, LCSW (CA LCSW 66246, PA CW022947), is a trauma-informed therapist who helps individuals and couples find balance, safety, and genuine connection. With over two decades of experience across residential, hospital, government, and private practice settings, she tailors her approach using evidence-based methods such as EMDR, the Gottman Method, CBT, DBT, Internal Family Systems, and Psychedelic-Assisted Psychotherapy. Through Amy Anderson Therapy in San Diego, CA, she guides clients in processing relational trauma, integrating their life experiences, and cultivating relationships that feel secure, meaningful, and deeply rooted.
