Healing the Impact of Past Abuse on Your Relationship With Couples Trauma Therapy
couple looking at a lake
In my work as a holistic couples trauma therapist, many of the couples I see arrive with a common thread: the shadow of past abuse — whether one partner experienced it, both did, or trauma played out across the family or relationship lineage. That past abuse often leaves its imprint on relationships in subtle yet profound ways, which directly impacts both parties and all family members. In this blog, we’ll explore how past trauma can affect intimacy, trust, and emotional safety—and highlight evidence-based therapeutic paths designed to support healing together.
How Past Abuse Shapes Relationship Dynamics
Erosion of Trust & Emotional Safety
When one or both partners bring a history of abuse into a relationship, the foundational sense of safety can be compromised. Abuse may teach the nervous system to expect danger, betrayal or abandonment. As a result:
A partner might struggle to trust the good intentions of their loved one, interpreting protective behaviour as threatening.
Vulnerability becomes risky: what should feel safe (sharing a fear, expressing a need) may trigger shame, withdrawal or anger.
Emotional safety - the sense that “my partner will be there for me and not hurt me” - is often missing. Without it, core relational experiences like empathy, validation and connection suffer.
Impact on Intimacy
Intimacy—in its many forms of emotional, verbal, physical, spiritual—is closely intertwined with safety and trust. Past abuse can interfere in several ways with reconnecting through intimacy:
Survivors may struggle with being physically or emotionally close; intimacy can feel scary, intrusive or unsafe with partner.
Partners may become hyper-vigilant around perceived threats or rejection, leading to turning away or shutting down, proactively.
Sexual intimacy may be affected (especially if the abuse was sexual or relational), complicating desire, pleasure, and connection.
The dynamic of “I will protect myself first” may override relationship connection, meaning instead of ‘we’, the individual is in constant self-protection, its trauma can be self-fullfilling almost.
Unseen Triggers & Reactive Patterns
In trauma-impacted couples, it’s not always obvious that a pattern is rooted in past abuse. What happens instead:
A disagreement escalates quickly: one partner perceives the other’s tone as rejection; the other feels stuck in an unresolvable cycle.
A partner goes silent, withdraws, emotionally shuts down—this may be a nervous system protection strategy rather than simple rudeness.
The survivor may constantly scan for signs of threat or abandonment, putting strain on the partner who feels accused, powerless or frozen.
There may be shame, guilt or confusion about why the response is so intense, which hinders openness and repair.
Understanding these dynamics is the cornerstone of healing. Recognising that reactive patterns are responses to past damage, not condemnation of your partner, sets the stage for repair and growth.
Evidence-Based Therapeutic Approaches for Trauma-Affected Couples
Fortunately, the research and clinical practice in couples trauma therapy have matured. Here are several evidence-supported approaches and how they can help a relationship where past abuse has left a mark.
1. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples
EFT is one of the most thoroughly researched couples therapies, grounded in attachment theory and developed by Sue Johnson. It is particularly effective for couples dealing with relational distress and trauma. (nbcc.org)
How EFT helps trauma-impacted couples:
It begins by helping partners identify the negative interaction cycles (the “pursue–withdraw”, “attack–defend” patterns) that often emerge after trauma. (couplesrehabs.org)
Then, it helps each partner access the vulnerable feelings beneath anger or shutdown (e.g., “I feel scared I’ll be left”, “I feel unsafe to speak up”).
Together, the couple builds new ways of reaching out, responding and repairing that promote secure attachment and emotional safety.
Because trauma often fractures attachment expectations (“I should trust, but I don’t”), EFT’s focus on repair, responsiveness and shared vulnerability is especially helpful.
2. Trauma-Informed, Somatic & Body-Based Approaches
Abuse doesn’t just live in memories—it resides in the body and nervous system. As one therapy provider notes, “since past trauma is stored in the body, somatic approaches are essential for complete healing.” (pittsburghcit.com)
What this looks like in couples work:
Co-regulation exercises: partners learn ways to calm each other’s nervous systems (breathing together, grounding practices).
Awareness of triggers: noticing when the body is shifting into fight/flight/shut-down and learning to pause rather than react.
Movement, breath-work or mindfulness practices that help release stored tension and rebuild sense of safety.
Integrating these body-based tools alongside conversations helps the couple not only talk about trauma, but feel safe while doing so.
3. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) & Trauma-Focused CBT
While CPT has traditionally been used for individual trauma and PTSD, it also has application in couples therapy settings where past abuse is impacting relational thinking patterns. (Verywell Mind)
In a couples context:
The therapy helps the survivor—and sometimes both partners—identify distorted beliefs rooted in trauma (e.g., “I’m not safe,” “I don’t deserve love,” “People always leave me”).
Couples can work together to explore how those beliefs affect communication, intimacy and trust.
With the therapist’s guidance, partners challenge and re-frame these beliefs, thus clearing space for healthier relational patterns.
4. Integrative & Trauma-Informed Couples Treatment
Given the complexity of combining relational dynamics + trauma history, many therapists now take an integrative, trauma-informed approach. Core principles include establishing safety, differentiating trauma responses from relationship flaws, and pacing the work. (couplesrehabs.org)
Key features:
Explicitly creating physical and emotional safety in sessions (e.g., setting boundaries, safe words, structured check-ins).
Educating both partners about trauma responses (so blame is replaced by understanding).
Slow pace: building regulation, connection and trust before diving deeply into trauma content.
Including both partners in what is often thought of as “individual trauma work” to honour the relationship dimension.
Why This Matters for You & Your Relationship
If you or your partner carry past abuse wounds, neglecting them can leave your relationship stuck in patterns of disconnection, turning towards, mistrust and emotional drift that furthers conflict. On the other hand, releasing these wounds through communication such as even engaging in couples trauma therapy offers:
A pathway from “I’m broken” or “You don’t care” to “I see you. We can be safe together”.
Improved emotional intimacy: when both partners feel seen, heard, valued- they automatically turn towards each other.
Deeper sexual or relational closeness: when safety and regulation are restored.
Enhanced resilience: traumatic histories no longer dictating relational health but integrated into your shared story of growth.
Prevention of inter-generational trauma: by building healthier patterns, you create a safer relational legacy.
healing hands
Practical Steps to Begin to Heal
Choose the right therapist. Look for someone trained in trauma-informed couples work (e.g.Gottman Method, EFT, IFS, somatic couples therapy, CPT-adapted for couples).
Establish safety first. Both partners should agree on ground-rules for sessions: how to pause when triggered, how to ask for regulation break, how to re-connect safely.
Create a shared vocabulary. Learn to say: “When I go quiet I’m feeling unsafe,” or “When you move away I feel like I’ll be abandoned.”
Practice co-regulation. Regular check-ins, breathing exercises together, body awareness between sessions.
Slowly build intimacy. Start with small safe disclosures (rather than diving into the deepest trauma) and use the partner as a co-regulator and witness.
Integrate the insights. After therapy sessions when you feel regulated, reflect together about new patterns, what worked, and how to bring forward what you learned into daily life.
Amy’s Final Thoughts
Healing past abuse is not just an individual journey—it deeply affects your relationship with self, your partner, and your shared emotional world. But with the right support, couples therapy can be a powerful way to rebuild intimacy, trust, and emotional safety together impacting an entire family system. By combining evidence-based approaches like EFT, somatic regulation, CPT and trauma-informed couples frameworks with a well paired good therapeutic therapist, you can move beyond survival mode into a relational space that is alive, grounded and healing.
If your relationship is bearing the weight of past abuse, know this: the wounds don’t have to define your partnership. With help, they can become part of your story of transformation together. If you’re considering therapy, I encourage you to ask potential therapists about their training in trauma‐informed couples work. Specifically inquire about how they address past abuse impacting the relationship, how they create safety and how they integrate somatic or body-based regulation work with emotional/relational repair.
Wishing you courage, connection and deep healing on this path.
